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Living the Life of Holly
By Holly Winter
© 2004
A Marriage Made in Sixth Grade

I waited until they were quiet. “Raise your hand if you’ve ever been married.”

My statement of marriage filled the room with a dense quiet, a rare moment in any classroom.

Slowly the mutiny started.

“Ms. Winter. We’re only twelve-years-old.”

“Sixth graders can’t get married.”

“Are you from Kentucky or something?”

I folded my arms. “Hmm. Nobody’s ever been married?” I had lied to their teacher, saying I would cover her math lesson so she could get her substitute plans ready for her impending absence. “Well. Raise your hand if you’ve ever met a married person.”

Thirty hands shot up as students twisted their eyebrows into a ‘duh’ expression.

I had decided multiplying exponents could wait. Their teacher was getting married on Friday. Shouldn’t her students help her celebrate in some way? I decided having them write a book of marriage tips would be the perfect project.

“Ok. Raise your hand if you’ve ever seen a television show with a good marriage in it.”

Thirty hands went up, fast.

But I was going to have to motivate them to write. That’s not as easy as it sounds… “Ok. Now. Raise your hand if you’ve ever seen a movie with people who were happily married.”

Thirty hands raised high in the air.

“Good.” I bit my lip. Ok. This was it. I held my breath then let it out slowly. “Then. I dub you all marriage experts.”

Thirty twelve-year-old voices raised a loud argument.

“What? Did you say marriage expert?”

“I can’t be an expert. I never pay attention to marriages.”

“Not me. My parents are divorced.”

“Expert? Maybe at video games.”

I held up my hand in the proverbial SILENT salute. When the room quieted, I talked fast. “Miss White, is getting married on Friday. You know. Many marriages don’t make it. You’ve all been around marriages that DO work and have worked. Your job is to offer the newlyweds some advice.”

The class listened as Difficult-boy tapped his pencil against his knee. Tap. Taptap. Tap. Taptap. It was slowly sinking in that they weren’t doing math today. That I had changed the plan. That they had to write instead. That a teacher, who wasn’t their teacher, was making them write.

I did a fast subject change. “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”

“The bad news!”

“Well. There isn’t going to be enough time to do a second draft of your marriage advice.”

A loud cheer rang out.

“The good news…” I continued. “Is that there will be enough time for you to do a plan. A bubble-diagram should work just fine for this. Write your first idea in the center. Circle it. Then branch your ideas off the center idea. When you’re ready, get a piece of paper and start.

Slowly they all got paper and sat staring at it. Ok. This was a good start. At least they all got paper.

Handsome-boy brooded in the front row. “I can’t do this. My parents are getting divorced.” Tears sprang up in his eyes. “I really can’t do this.”

“You can.” I said, softly. “Write about the things they should have done in their marriage. The things that might have kept them together.”

He brightened and wrote, “Never yell. Never fight. Clean the kitchen more. And if you ever have children, buy them candy every day.”

Smart-girl called me over. “Can I suggest that they talk out their problems, if they ever have some?”

“I don't know.” I said, slowly. “Is that good relationship advice?”

“I think so.” She said.

“Then write it.” I smiled.

I looked around the room. Most students were bent over their papers filling in their bubbles.

Difficult-boy sat staring at the ceiling.

I walked over. “Got a plan?”

He leaned back in his chair and tapped his pencil on his knee. “Nope.”

“You need a plan.”

He squinted his eyes. “I’m going to write about kissing.”

“Oh. Good.” I smiled. “Are you a kissing expert?”

His face twisted into a series of contortions. “Eeeew. No. I mean. I’m going to write about how they shouldn’t forget their anniversary.”

I nodded. “Good. I like that. You can write about kissing too, if you want.”

He blushed a hot red. “No. Rather not.”

“Ok.” I called out to the class. “Now it’s time to use your plan to write out your advice for Miss White and her new husband. Get a piece of paper and begin.”

They each got a clean piece of paper and printed “Marriage Advice” across the top.

There were many different suggestions for the love birds. “Say I love you every day.” and “Buy him the presents he wants, not the presents he needs.”

Here are some of my favorite bits of marriage advice the twelve-year-olds came up with:

“If you lose something, blame him so he’ll help you find it.”

“Watch romantic movies and eat popcorn.”

“Make him cook when you don’t want to.”

“Don’t make him mad.”

“Don’t fight. Don’t yell. But if you do, eat ice-cream when you make up.”

“Don’t have kids, or you’ll really get headaches.”

“Tell him how cute he is every day.”

“Keep the house clean.”

“Introduce him to your boyfriends now, so there won’t be any surprises later.”

“Don’t get divorced.”

“Share your gum with him if he wants some.”

“Make him pay for the washer. You pay for the dryer.”

“Don’t run over his feet with the car.”

“Even if you’re not that mad, make him sleep on the couch sometimes so he’ll appreciate the bed even more.”

“Don’t swear, unless he needs to hear it.”

“Let him watch his favorite TV shows.”

“Pretend you like his mother.”

“Eat dinner together now and then.”

“Help him do his work if he can’t do it all himself.”

And my personal favorite:

“Kiss his friends sometimes so he knows you like them.”

We took all of the bits of advice and bound them into a book. Miss White is going to have a lot of reading to do when she gets home. And. You know. If her marriage is still going strong many years from now, well, we’ll have to consider that perhaps there is something to be said for not running over his feet with the car and having her pay to dry all the clothes.

Wanna try another column? How about #197 Breathe Easily, Don't Get Mad which is about first telling Cool-guy about my visual memory problems.

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