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We all know men can be difficult. It doesn’t matter who they are or what they do, we women will come up with a long list of complaints. Complaining about men comes naturally to women.

But. On occasion we have something out of the ordinary to gripe about. I have one of those items that’s clamoring to be let out of the bag, right now. Dating a chef…. You might think it’s all stroganoff and fondue with little bowls of ox tail soup and dark chocolate mousse whipped up to quench YOUR culinary thirst. Yeah. Well. I used to think that too. Um. No.

And that’s why I’m here today. To come out of the closet and educate you on the trials of dating a chef.

Yes. I’m aware that being attached to a man who knows how to make Indian curry, from scratch, whenever he gets the inkling might be considered a gift to some. But let me tell you…. it ain’t all easy.

In fact, if I were to describe my culinary experience with Cool-guy in one word, that word wouldn’t be amazing, or delicious or scrumptious. No. The one word I’d use to describe our culinary relationship would be, hungry.

#1 Trial: A really, really long time.

You know how Betty Crocker has all those ‘quick’ cook books for when you’re really hungry? So if you want to delight yourself with something homemade you can do it in ten minutes or less? Well. Unfortunately, Cool-guy doesn’t subscribe to that theory of cooking.

Even if it is ten o’clock at night when hunger strikes, he’ll whip up something tedious. I don’t understand why it doesn’t occur to him to make sandwiches for a late night dinner. But. No. No way. He’s not like that.

He’ll decide to roast baby carrots in the oven. Do you have any idea how long that takes when you’re hungry? I wouldn’t peel the carrots or cook them if it were up to me: I’d eat them raw. In fact I probably wouldn’t even wash them before I ate them raw if I were left to my hunger at ten o’clock at night.

But him? He cleans them, trims them, peels them, cuts them up, and roasts them in a special sauce he concocts. Sure. It’s delicious. But. By the time they’re roasted forty minutes later, I’d be willing to eat dog food.

A girl can get impatiently hungry waiting for carrots to roast at ten o’clock at night.

#2 Trial: His friends won’t cook for him.

You know when your friends invite you over to dinner? And you walk into their house and it smells all good. And you can’t wait to eat. And stuff is cooking on the stove and there’s a big ol’ turkey in the oven that’s almost done? And you’re really hungry, and you know you’ll eat in the next half hour or so and you can’t wait because you’ve showed up to their house half starved?

That’s life for most of us, right?

Well. Cool-guy and I have been dating for eleven months and I’m still not used to getting invited to dinner by his circle of friends. No kidding. We’ll show up to a pile of raw ingredients on the counter. And the host and hostess will say, “We were thinking you might want to make Mexican food. What do you think?”

Yes. He is expected to cook dinner wherever we go. He doesn’t mind at all. There I am, trimming, peeling, and cutting up the baby carrots for them. Um. Does that seem right to you? Me? The one who wants raw carrots?

And. Do you have any idea how long it takes to cook gourmet food when he’s visiting with friends? A whole long night because the food preparation takes a back seat to tea parties with the kids, checking out the rabbit proof fence around the garden and inspections of the new construction on the addition..

A girl can get impossibly hungry, to the point of secretly swiping half the food she’s chopping, while waiting for dinner at friends’ houses.

#3 Trial: No Bueno

No Bueno, Spanish for no good, is Cool-guy’s standard comment when he is eating unacceptable food at restaurants. He tries to be agreeable. But he knows what food should look like, and how it should taste, and becomes impatient when it isn’t up to par. He’s constantly on the search for good restaurants, and takes me along with him.

When we were in San Francisco, we went to a raw food restaurant named, Roxanne’s. We ate raw seaweed salads and pureed cucumber soups. Um. Really. No bueno. The portions were absolutely miniscule. We kept hoping the waiter would bring out a huge tray of vegetables or something and say, “Just joking. We really do keep food in our kitchen. Want some?”

I tried a couple of raw wines and Cool-guy tried two raw beers in the spirit of being raw. Um. But. The raw slaw we’d eaten was unable to soak up the spirits. We hungrily attacked the raw desserts which were incredible. How do you make raw cheesecake from all raw and vegan (no cheese) ingredients?

The manager, seeing how enthusiastic we were about dessert sent over an additional sweet, which we graciously accepted as complimentary. Later we saw the manager’s dessert was charged on our bill. As we staggered out of the restaurant, drunk and still very hungry, we both slurred, “No bueno. No bueno. No bueno.”

A girl can get hungry when dining out with a chef at new restaurants.

But. I’ve figured it out. I’ve had to arm myself in the battle of dating a chef. You may have noticed my trials all end in hunger. Well. I’ve learned to snack eighty-five times a day while I’m waiting for food. Yes. Snacking is the secret to dating a chef.

I snack before he cooks dinner. I snack before we go to friends’ houses for dinner. And I snack before we go out to eat. But. No. I’m not here to complain or bitch about snacking. I’m here to educate.

Educate you.

Educate you on the trials of dating a chef.

It’s true. Much to my horror he did buy whole, pickled lizards when we were in Spain at an Asian market and lugged them home where he proudly displays them on a shelf in the kitchen. And he’ll order eight entrees in a good restaurant so he can sample their menu, making the waitress think I must be an over eater because he is so darn skinny. And he never starts cooking when we invite company to dinner until they arrive, insisting their food must be as fresh as it can be.

But. I must admit, you know his Two-Day-Curry, which isn’t ready till late at night on the second day? Well…. it’s way worth hanging around for.

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