The conversations in my family never stay in one place for very long. Good thing.
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Column # 152 Back
Away From the Boyfriend |
| The conversations in my family never stay in one place for very long. Good thing. |
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“I’m the favorite sister-in-law.” She said, sticking out her hand for an introduction. “She’s the only sister-in-law we have left. But we’ve never really liked her. I’m the little sister. Stick by me. I’ll make sure nobody feeds you meat.” “I’m her middle brother and the only sane person in the family. May I apologize now for anything my family has said or done?” Older brother walked in. “Let the man breathe. Come on. BACK AWAY FROM THE BOYFRIEND.” Yeah. I know. Cool-guy thought it would be a good time to come home with me to Woodstock, NY to meet my family and have a bit of a visit. I know. It was an innocent visit but it knocked my family for a bit of a loop. They kept waiting for us to announce our engagement. Um. No. We delivered middle cousin’s wedding gift during a dinner party our third night home. She invited any of my available brothers and sisters over to join in the festivities. “This is incredible.” Cousin gushed, opening her gift. “Thanks so much. Ok. You’re forgiven for missing my wedding for a vacation. A silk painting from Portugal?” “Way cool” Her husband agreed. Thanks so much.” Cousin removed their wedding rings. “Look. Aunt Mary made these. Aren’t they incredible?” Gold. Two ribbons intertwined. Custom made. “Honey-girl. I love them.” “They’re great.” Cool-guy agreed. Cousin wouldn’t take them back from Cool-guy. Oh. God. She was trying to hint marriage. Um. Didn’t she know that I had managed to stay single for thirty eight years by design, not default? “Isn’t that a great diamond?” She asked Cool-guy. “It is.” He laughed. “I would feel naked without my WEDDING rings on.” She said. “I wear them ALL the time.” “I can see why. They’re great.” The good thing about my family is that the topic always moves quickly. You never have to kick anyone under the table for having a conversation you don’t want them to have. Oh. Sure. You often FEEL like kicking someone, but you RARELY have to. “So. Cool-guy. Have you seen her dad’s garage yet?” Sister-in-law asked. I cut in. “I let him have a quick glimpse.” My father’s garage is unlike anything you may have ever encountered. It is filled floor to ceiling with junk and has little mole-sized trails running through parts. There is a recycling area that is more of an antique center that has been collecting cans for years and years. There are parts of the garage that haven’t been touched by a human hand for over twenty years: there’s no way to get out there. I’m pretty sure my bicycle from when I was five-years-old is out there somewhere. As children we weren’t afraid of the monster who lived under the bed. He was nothing compared to the monsters who lived ‘out there.’ The garage has been off limits for anyone but my father for over thirty years now. You know. Liability issue. “I want to go out there.” Cool-guy said. “No shopping in the garage.” I reminded him. “I can’t believe you’ve already seen the garage. Mr. Winter must really like you.” Older brother’s girlfriend said. “Dad was in the basement. I allowed a quick peek.” “I’ve been in the family eleven years.” Sister-in-law said. “I’ve never even looked out the window.” “What are you afraid of?” Her husband teased. She lowered her voice. “Afraid you might become like him one day.” “Honey.” He laughed. “That’s not going to happen.” She held up her hand. “Have you SEEN your bedroom closet?” Everyone laughed. Big-brother’s girlfriend cut in. “I haven’t even been to their house yet. Should I be afraid of the garage?” “No. No way.” Cool-guy said. “I want to go exploring out there.” Everyone laughed. “Yeah.” Little sister said. “We’d never find you again. But. Don’t worry. I’m sure there are some canned goods and you could probably find an old bunson burner or two to cook on.” “Ok. That’s it.” Cousin’s husband announced, harshly. “No more. ENOUGH KIDS. Ten o’clock. Time for Terry to go to sleep.” Ten-year-old Terry stood up slowly. He wanted to stay longer but knew better than to suggest it. Husband continued. “And I don’t want any of the Winters’ arguing over bedtime. In my house bedtime is bedtime.” I wanted to read him a book. That’s what I would normally do with a nephew at bedtime. But. I didn’t know the rules of the house and didn’t want to interfere. “You know.” Middle brother suggested. “There are more Winters’ here tonight. We could take him. Terry. We could tie him out in the garage. You could stay up longer.” Terry smiled. “Yeah. But. He would untie himself and then I would still have to go to bed.” “No stalling. No stalling.” Husband said, clapping his hands quickly. “Off to bed. Right now. No more kids around.” Cousin stood with her son. “Come on, honey. I’ll walk you up.” “You don’t have to walk him up.” Husband insisted. “He can put himself to bed. You have guests.” “Of course I don’t have to walk him up.” Cousin said, taking her son’s hand. “But I will. My family knows how to entertain themselves.” The fun tone was out of the room. Time to change the topic? Cool-guy reached into the pile of photos from the wedding and pulled one out. “Who’s this tearing up the dance floor?” Little sister laughed. “Me. From behind. That’s my fat butt and that’s my curly hair.” I laughed hysterically at a very unflattering photograph. “I can handle the butt. But. Honey-girl. No more curls. What were you thinking?” She shrugged. “I wanted to be the talk of the wedding. It was the only way I could think to do it.” Everyone laughed. “No.” Sister-in-law said. “The talk of the wedding was that woman who was on the dance floor who lifted her dress up over her head.” Little sister started laughing. “You should have seen my husband’s face. I thought he would have a heart attack.” “His face?” Big brother said. “We weren’t looking at anyone’s face. There was something way more interesting to look at.” He turned to Cool-guy. “Don’t worry. Our family weddings aren’t normally so wild.” Cool-guy laughed. “Between this once-in-a-lifetime curly hair-do and the dress-over-the-head, I’m thinking that we should have delayed our trip to Europe. Sounds to me like a Winter event might have had great photo opportunities. And I’m thinking we could have used some of those little sister photos as blackmail to pay for our trip.”
Wanna try another column? How about #153 I didn't See it Coming which is about the death of the family dog when I was home visiting in NY. (Funny End... I promise....) or Click here to go to Current Columns to pick another column. Or perhaps you would like to go to Column Finder by Subject to choose your next column about dating, or epilepsy or friends... you choose! Don't miss out! Sign up to receive a free copy of Holly's column via e-mail each week. (All e-mail addresses are private... NEVER, EVER shared.) Or send a blank e-mail to Holly@livingthelifeofholly.com Subject: Subscribe Me. Comment on this column in The Forum Or Send Holly your comments. Tell her what you really think! Your comments might be published on her website, or in her weekly Yahoo Group e-mail. Send Comments Wanna vote for your favorite column? Fan's favorite column picks will be added to the Fan's Favorite Five page. Send your pick for your favorite here. Fan's Favorite Column Pick Copyright © 2003 by Holly Winter |
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