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Living the Life of Holly |
Column # 150 Ready,
Set, Light! |
| Cool-guy has decided that it is time for Holly's first lesson in fire starting. Yeah. Fine. But. Holly will never start her own fire. Or will she? |
Photo coming soon |
www.livingthelifeofholly.com “Ready?” Cool-guy asked, organizing the piles of materials he had meticulously gathered. Um. Actually I was a little nervous. How could it be that I had never done this before? “Ok.” He said. “We’re all set.” I mean. We had one in the house where I grew up. But. It was for ‘Men only’, and I never complained one bit. Why would I want to get all dirty? “Scrunch up some newspaper and put it in the bottom.” He commanded. I leaned over and kissed his cheek. “You’re way cute. You pre-scrunched the newspaper for me? Can I expect that to always be done?” “Enough stalling. Start scrunching, Missy.” I loaded wad after wad of crumpled newspaper into the woodstove for my first lesson in fire-starting. Not that I ever planned on starting my own fire. I mean. Wasn’t that a man’s job? “More.” “More newspaper? I don’t want to set the house on fire. You know that’s what’s going to happen, right? I’m going to make some kind of mistake and, whoosh. You’ll be living in the shade of your totem pole.” He laughed. “That CAN’T happen. I promise. Woodstoves are for keeping the fire away from the house. I promise.” Ok. I scrunched and scrunched. “Great. Now pick your kindling, carefully.” I laughed. “Um. Carefully?” “Find the pieces with the most exposed surfaces, or lots of bark.” Ok. I didn’t know that. I started placing kindling on top of the newspaper while visions of house fires danced in my head. Wasn’t it a bad idea to mess with fire? “More. Lots more.” “More? I don’t want to burn down your house.” “You won’t.” He laughed. “You need a lot of red hot coals. So. Add more kindling.” Oh. I didn’t know that. “Now. Put several light logs on top of your fire-starter-cake.” “Light logs?” “Yup. Less moisture means they’re lighter. They’ll start faster.” “Got it.” “Start-er-up.” He said, handing me the barbecue lighter. Um. How do you unlock his lighter? Mine has a little button on the end. I looked all around. Nope. No unlock. I pressed every point in case there was a magic catch. Nope. “Where’s the unlock button?” “There’s not one.” He said, puzzled. He pressed the red button. A long flame leapt out the end. “Um. Thanks.” “How have you lived without help all these years?” He laughed. Yeah. I ignored him as I lit the paper in a hundred different places, you know, to be sure the fire started. “Ok. Now close the door.” He said as he walked into the kitchen to start dinner. “Great job. You’re done. Now you have to keep adding wood to keep the fire going.” “I thought there’d be smoke and demons raising from the ashes and stuff like that. Um. This wasn’t so bad.” He laughed. “That’s only when you start fires in the woods.” I spent the rest of the evening feeding my first fire. Man. I took pride in the extra warmth that filled the house. But. Could there be more? The next day I showed up at his house an hour before he got home from work. Think of it as a scientific experiment of the tropical kind. I mean. What could a totally stacked woodstove do to a chilly mountain home? I know. I know. I had sworn to never start a fire in his house. But. Now I was curious. Could I have a warm winter after all? I was filled with guilty smiles when he walked through the door. “Wow. You’re here before me?” He kissed me. “I wanted to try an ‘alone fire.” “You did great, honey.” He looked through the glass door of the woodstove. “Wow. That’s quite a fire you got there.” “I know. Look. I got the house up to eighty degrees. Can you believe it?” “Holly.” He said, removing his winter coat and fleece shirt. “I have to buy the wood. The goal isn’t to make the house THAT hot. The goal is to keep the chill out.” I only heard the first part. “You buy the wood?” “Yes. It costs MONEY.” “So. You can get more?” “Yes. But. It’s EXPENSIVE.” “Wow. You can get more.” Over the next weeks I found that it was to my great advantage to continue showing up early to his house. You know. So I could start a Holly-fire to blast his house with enough warmth where I could walk around in a tank top and shorts. He started walking around naked, hoping I’d get the hint that the heat levels were inappropriate. Um. I couldn’t have been happier. He worried about the shrinking wood pile. I ignored his pained expressions. “And. I figure that with all the money you’re saving on that electric heating, you’ll be able to take me on a long, vacation. I’m thinking Hawaii might be fun.” I said, rubbing more lotion into my dry legs. You know from the higher heat. Dry skin. “Missy.” He said. “I’ve been thinking about a vacation for you all right.” “Really?” Oh. Good move. See. Mention travel and sooner or later he’ll book a flight. Oh. Good move. “Where will we be going, honey?” I asked, sweetly. “Well.” He said. “With all this wood you’ve been burning, I’m thinking that the only vacation you can look forward to is a long walk into the woods with an axe.” Wanna try another column? How about #153 I Didn't See it Coming which is about having to put the family dog to sleep. (Ok. Funny ending...) or Click here to go to Current Columns to pick another column. Or perhaps you would like to go to Column Finder by Subject to choose your next column about dating, or epilepsy or friends... you choose! Don't miss out! Sign up to receive a free copy of Holly's column via e-mail each week. (All e-mail addresses are private... NEVER, EVER shared.) Or send a blank e-mail to Holly@livingthelifeofholly.com Subject: Subscribe Me. Comment on this column in The Forum Or Send Holly your comments. Tell her what you really think! Your comments might be published on her website, or in her weekly Yahoo Group e-mail. Send Comments Wanna vote for your favorite column? Fan's favorite column picks will be added to the Fan's Favorite Five page. Send your pick for your favorite here. Fan's Favorite Column Pick Copyright © 2003 by Holly Winter |